Wondering Why.

It’s almost been a year since I’ve last posted anything in this blog. I guess you could say I’ve spent a year caught in limbo. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life any more or even if I thought my life was worth having. Not that I became suicidal but there were those typical thoughts of hopelessness and a lost purpose or cause that anyone who’s going through a confusing time in their life might face. I’ve always been the kind of person to do things half way. Half way during the school year, I stop trying. Half way during a project, I give up. Half way during a book, I stop reading. And in the same respect, I’ve only ever given God half of myself. I gave Him all the parts I was okay with giving away and talked a good talk to make everyone else – maybe even to fool myself as well – think I was some sold out Christian willing to go to the ends of the earth for God. It’s not that I wasn’t willing to go – I desperately wanted to go. I wanted a new change, to get out of the place I seem to always be stuck in and experience something real and true. But I didn’t want to go through the process of getting there. I didn’t want to wake up and spend time with God, I didn’t want to give up things I enjoyed listening to or watching or even doing, I didn’t want to make the changes.

Why? I’m not even sure of that yet but I pray God reveals it to me. Maybe I’m scared that everyone is right, that I’ll never be anything. I’ll always be alone and I’ll have sacrificed everything in my life to solely sit on a pew the rest of my life. That isn’t what I want. I want a life of action and miracles and power. I want a life that gives glory to God. I want to be a light to the dark corners where others are afraid to go to. I want to be so saturated in God’s Presence that it’s no longer myself who walks this fleshly world, but it’s God who lives through me and impacts those around me. That’s what I know I want. But I’m scared it’s never going to happen. I’m scared that kind of life isn’t for me and that I’ll always be stuck here. I’m not afraid to admit to that. I’ve lived a life of defeat before the battle’s even begun. I’ve accepted that I’ll never amount to anything. But that’s the wrong attitude to have and I thank God that He’s still in my life, holding my hand even though I don’t deserve Him and guiding my inner most being to be more like Him.

This morning I greeted Him and asked Him when it was going to feel like He was in my life again. What’s so wrong with me that I’m still feeling so defeated? Haven’t I given all of myself that I can right now? This is what He said to me: “While your actions change, your heart is remaining the same. The only way for your heart to change is to get in My presence – which you’re not doing. It’s more than reading. It requires a saturation. And it requires all of you – not just parts of you. If that is so, then why do you think you can get away with only doing parts of what I ask? My Presence requires all of you, yes, but it also requires all of Me. There are 3 parts to My presence: reading, seeking and obeying. All 3 must be done on a daily basis in order for My fullness to be in your life.”

Reading. Seeking. Obeying. Reading God’s Word is always important but there’s so much more to God than that. Seeking His face, praying, even just sitting in silence while waiting upon Him – it can do so much for your life. It can change you in an instant. And it can also continue an on-going change in your heart, in your mind and in your soul. It’s so very important that we’re constantly seeking His face. I used to think I could get by on just reading – that it somehow included seeking and praying as well but it doesn’t. It’s vital to our Christian walk, yes, but it’s not the only part. Seeking after God is what will sustain us, it’s what will bring His presence into our lives. The struggle is between our will and God’s. Our will says “I don’t have time for this.” Or maybe even “I’m just talking to a ceiling, what’s the point?” I’ve felt that way for a long time. But that’s how the enemy wants us to feel. He plants those seeds of destruction in our minds because we could be so much more powerful in our walk when we get in God’s face. But guess what – Satan can’t read our thoughts. Only God can. The only way Satan can know his plan is working is by our actions. So when we don’t get before God, it confirms to him that we’re still under his control. When blessings don’t pour from our lips, it lets Satan know that he’s winning. I don’t want that in my life and I pray that you don’t want it in yours either.

Until next time, prayfully it won't take as long as this one did, I pray that God's presence is continually present in your life.