Wondering Why.

It’s almost been a year since I’ve last posted anything in this blog. I guess you could say I’ve spent a year caught in limbo. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life any more or even if I thought my life was worth having. Not that I became suicidal but there were those typical thoughts of hopelessness and a lost purpose or cause that anyone who’s going through a confusing time in their life might face. I’ve always been the kind of person to do things half way. Half way during the school year, I stop trying. Half way during a project, I give up. Half way during a book, I stop reading. And in the same respect, I’ve only ever given God half of myself. I gave Him all the parts I was okay with giving away and talked a good talk to make everyone else – maybe even to fool myself as well – think I was some sold out Christian willing to go to the ends of the earth for God. It’s not that I wasn’t willing to go – I desperately wanted to go. I wanted a new change, to get out of the place I seem to always be stuck in and experience something real and true. But I didn’t want to go through the process of getting there. I didn’t want to wake up and spend time with God, I didn’t want to give up things I enjoyed listening to or watching or even doing, I didn’t want to make the changes.

Why? I’m not even sure of that yet but I pray God reveals it to me. Maybe I’m scared that everyone is right, that I’ll never be anything. I’ll always be alone and I’ll have sacrificed everything in my life to solely sit on a pew the rest of my life. That isn’t what I want. I want a life of action and miracles and power. I want a life that gives glory to God. I want to be a light to the dark corners where others are afraid to go to. I want to be so saturated in God’s Presence that it’s no longer myself who walks this fleshly world, but it’s God who lives through me and impacts those around me. That’s what I know I want. But I’m scared it’s never going to happen. I’m scared that kind of life isn’t for me and that I’ll always be stuck here. I’m not afraid to admit to that. I’ve lived a life of defeat before the battle’s even begun. I’ve accepted that I’ll never amount to anything. But that’s the wrong attitude to have and I thank God that He’s still in my life, holding my hand even though I don’t deserve Him and guiding my inner most being to be more like Him.

This morning I greeted Him and asked Him when it was going to feel like He was in my life again. What’s so wrong with me that I’m still feeling so defeated? Haven’t I given all of myself that I can right now? This is what He said to me: “While your actions change, your heart is remaining the same. The only way for your heart to change is to get in My presence – which you’re not doing. It’s more than reading. It requires a saturation. And it requires all of you – not just parts of you. If that is so, then why do you think you can get away with only doing parts of what I ask? My Presence requires all of you, yes, but it also requires all of Me. There are 3 parts to My presence: reading, seeking and obeying. All 3 must be done on a daily basis in order for My fullness to be in your life.”

Reading. Seeking. Obeying. Reading God’s Word is always important but there’s so much more to God than that. Seeking His face, praying, even just sitting in silence while waiting upon Him – it can do so much for your life. It can change you in an instant. And it can also continue an on-going change in your heart, in your mind and in your soul. It’s so very important that we’re constantly seeking His face. I used to think I could get by on just reading – that it somehow included seeking and praying as well but it doesn’t. It’s vital to our Christian walk, yes, but it’s not the only part. Seeking after God is what will sustain us, it’s what will bring His presence into our lives. The struggle is between our will and God’s. Our will says “I don’t have time for this.” Or maybe even “I’m just talking to a ceiling, what’s the point?” I’ve felt that way for a long time. But that’s how the enemy wants us to feel. He plants those seeds of destruction in our minds because we could be so much more powerful in our walk when we get in God’s face. But guess what – Satan can’t read our thoughts. Only God can. The only way Satan can know his plan is working is by our actions. So when we don’t get before God, it confirms to him that we’re still under his control. When blessings don’t pour from our lips, it lets Satan know that he’s winning. I don’t want that in my life and I pray that you don’t want it in yours either.

Until next time, prayfully it won't take as long as this one did, I pray that God's presence is continually present in your life.

Oh Morning Star, You truly are everything.

I don't even know where to begin with all that's happened since I've last updated. Pride is a destructive nature to maintain in your life and I hope with everything in me, people begin to see it as such - just like I've been discovering. Being a "youth leader" with my youth group is a high honor for me; I've never deserved to have this title. In the back of my mind, I've always lived with self-condemnation and thoughts of me being the worst sinner out there. How could I possibly help my church's youth group to grow? Well, I couldn't. I can't do anything. But God can. And God will use me... once I've been cleansed, you see. Pride's been keeping me from being truly cleansed from everything that's happened in my life between churches. I spent about probably a year in Nomad's Land, my spirit just wandering around for anything that would give me life. And no, I didn't go out and party and everything that comes along with that. But I'd fallen into a depression and didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay on the computer all day and talk with people I'd never meet - a lot of whom, I discovered, went through similar situations like mine with their old churches. We were a pack of hurt, beaten souls with no place to call home. At the time, I pulled them close to me and embraced them, finding my "salvation" within them. But no man can bring inner healing and they certainly don't bring salvation. Once God began to tug on my heart to get back into church, I realized this. This past Friday night at youth was incredible. Our Pastor didn't even preach a message - the presence of God was so thick in this service, it went straight from incredible worship to the altar call to a time of deliverance. You see, church is so religious these days. They think everything has to follow a format. "How can God show up if you don't stand up there and preach a message of candy-coated followers?!" Sometimes you don't need words with God. Sometimes God comes in and moves in ways only He can. God isn't limited to a sermon. God can move whenever He so desires. And He most definitely did. Almost everyone, save for three people, went down to the altar call that evening. I knew I needed to - heart raced, palms sweating - but I couldn't. I was a "youth leader". What would the people I'm attempting to lead - as well as my Pastor - think about me? But I ended up down there at the altar call. I'd never repented for everything I went through in that year of wandering. I'd just assumed God knew I was sorry for it. I was broken that evening. It was incredible, something I wouldn't change for anything. I went home feeling new and refreshed and I've put aside things I knew God was wanting me to. It hurts to leave behind things that you love. But if it didn't hurt - it wouldn't be a sacrifice.

I've had a knee problem since.. I don't even know. The doctor's say it was probably from birth. But it didn't flair up until I was in 9th grade and even then, I attempt to ignore it for three years because dancing was who I was. My plan was to go to New York - I'd been there already, selected out of a national entrance procedure, to participate in a summer intensive tap dancing training. Tap was my passion - and of course, the worst thing I could do to my knee. The bones in my knee were slightly twisted sideways and this offset my knee cap, allowing it to fluctuate and slide in and out of place. Two years off and on in physical therapy did nothing but make me want to become a physical therapist. But I was hard-headed and determined to become the dancer people told me with tears in their eyes that I was supposed to be. Until I hit 12th grade, when I dedicated my life to God. I had to give it up; sacrifice what I love for a chance to see God move in my life. Since 2001, I've been asking God to give me a new knee - just take the old one out completely and do it all over again, perfected and solid and strong. Being that it's 2007, that's almost 7 years waiting on a healing. People prayed with fire in their bones and nothing happened. But this past Sunday, June 17th, it happened. And it was... speechless. My knee clicked back together, I could feel it - it hurt like fire. But it happened. That evening my knee was very tender and achy and I asked God why it was hurting if I was healed. And I believe with everything in me that I heard Him say, "you have to get used to your new knee"... which is exactly what I asked God for years ago. Once you have knee surgery, you can't just jump back into using it. It's a gradual procedure that thankfully for me, disappeared when I slept Sunday evening. I tell you what though, both of my thighs were sore Monday morning. I guess God was strengthening the muscles in both of my thighs to be able to handle my new knee and a healing from arthritis in my right knee. God is so amazing, He truly is. I pray you get to see Him work miracles in your life, as well.

The wide and the narrow.

It's amazing how hard it is sometimes to keep to the ways of God. It didn't used to feel this hard. I know it's because I'm actually headed in the right direction, no matter how loud I hear that negative voice in my ear that I'm making the wrong choices in life. That's why the voice is there; the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy and telling me that I'm making a fool of myself is not beyond his means of doing so. When I'm doing all the right things and turning my back on everything that's wrong, of course the devil is going to be upset by this. But do some things have to hurt my heart as much as they do? Although when you think about it, I wonder how much it hurt Abraham's heart to willingly sacrifice his son, Isaac, to God. And just when the hardest moment came, God offered a way out to Abraham; an animal to sacrifice to God instead. God wanted to test the motives, purity, righteousness and obedience of Abraham's heart. Maybe that's what God is doing in me. However here comes that voice of negativity again; "God already knows how wicked you are. He ain't testing anything in you". I don't think I'm a wicked person. I think I live in self-condemnation. But I think God understands that to an extent. The last church I was involved in... it seemed that's all they ever told me; bad, bad, bad, horrible, horrible. I never did anything correct according to them and because of this, I still live in that mentality. But you can't really live life if you're stuck in the past, right? I'm trying not to be. I really, really am. Honestly, it just stinks to have a heart that hurts so much sometimes. And I pray with everything in me that God would give me a new heart; His heart, a heart that beats what He beats, lives what He lives, wants what He wants - a heart that is willing and able to follow His ways and run after God. I pray that it be done in the mighty name of Jesus, who had no other way out of sacrificing and gave Himself in every way over to this world so that me, little girl from Louisiana, would have life ever after and life more abundantly. How unworthy we are of God's love and of God's Son, but that doesn't stop God from loving us. And it most certainly didn't stop God from giving us His precious Jesus. So maybe it's time to grasp this freedom and instead of focusing on how rotten I am, focusing on the kingdom of God and getting to know God all over again. I pray that He would be closer than ever, that He would reveal more than ever and that I would know Him deeper than ever. Not only do I pray it for myself, but I pray it for you as well. I hope you open your heart to Him enough to let it be done.

Now I'm in the arms of my beautiful One.

As previously stated, maybe you read it - maybe you didn't, music is my life. Not only do I love to receive it but I love to give it. So I decided every Friday to share about a Christian artist I just can't get enough of. So this week's Artist Spotlight;

Delirious.

I first discovered the group "Delirious" several years ago, before I'd given my life to God, through a friend of mine named Ryan. Ryan preached to me up and down about God and I gave him the run around so many times; we were constantly at each other's throats about God. I believed in God but there were things that I didn't want to do. And he wanted me to do them. But the one thing we had in common was Delirious. The songs he sent to me were from the album "Glo" and it was an instant love. They're a group from Britain, classified as rock but I think their sound is more of a contemporary worship kind of deal. Forming themselves together in early 1996, the group has been together for over a decade now and the lives of those who listen to them and experience the move of God through their music couldn't be more grateful for it. Their last album was released in 2006 and it was a live worship experience called "Now is the Time". Before that, their last studio album was released in 2005 and it was titled "The Mission Bell". Once you take a listen to this anointed British Christian group, I'm sure you'll agree with me when I say I'm more than looking forward to the many more albums this group will put forth. Their mission isn't fame or fortune but just to touch the kingdom of God with their music, experience a move of God like never before and bring some of God's presence to the corners of the earth. And you can feel this in their music. You can feel the heart of God pulsating with every beat. They're truly one of my favorite artists and I hope they become one of yours.

Favorite Delirious songs of mine: Rain Down, History Maker, Everything, I Could Sing of Your Love Forever, Investigate, What Would I have Done?, What a Friend I've Found, Take Off My Shoes, Miracle Maker.

If you like the sounds of U2, you'll love Delirious.

Salutations.

I would love to introduce myself to you, being that this is my first blog and all. But to be honest, that's not what I'm here for. Not that I'm attempting to hide behind some computer screen and type the politics of all that I believe in because no one will recognize me - no, it's not that. It's just that I want a place where I can truly feel as though I am free to say whatever I want to, whether it be my struggles in life or the struggles around me. And occasionally some good things in between! Haha, just kidding. I'm a very joyful person but sometimes I just feel like my thoughts are going to explode if I have no place to get them out. I'm sure you've felt the same. Lately I've found myself walking a thin line between what's right and what's wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm not referring to the every day morals of "thou shalt not kill". But rather the things beyond the ten commandments. What's the line between going to Heaven and flying to hell in a gas suit? There's the big, the bad and the ugly. But there's also the finer line; the things you might be doing that you don't really pay any second thought to but could be the deciding factor of how much God is pouring of Himself into your life. Take secular music for example. Is it on the do or the don't list? Ohh my friends, this is a question I have been asking myself since I gave my life to God back in 2001. Well, that's not entirely true. Because the first church I attended, where I truly grew up in the things of God and developed my levels of understanding and leadership, told me what to believe. Secular music was bad. Spirits can transfer themselves through the devilish beats of the music of hell. If you listen to it, you must honestly question your salvation. But as things began to unravel in my place at that church, I began to ask myself just how much of what they taught me was fact and how much was just scaring me into being saved.

I don't want to be scared into being saved. I want to be saved because I love God, because He is the only One for me and because He treats me as though I'm His precious daughter - which I like to believe I am. Not just because the Bible tells me so but because there's this tugging in the far corners of my heart that cries out "Daddy" with every ventricular contraction. That's why I want to believe that God exists. I know that hell is real. I know that contrary to what people seem to think these days, it's no party. People won't be throwing elbows with Satan like he's their homeboy. There will be no getting down with the demons that torment this world day and night. Imagine soaking your skin in gasoline and then lighting yourself on fire. Only this fire never dies; you can never put it out. Your flesh burns day in and day out and no matter how hard you cry out into the thick darkness surrounding you, there will be no help. And though this may seem really horrible, it'll be nothing compared to the heartbreak you will experience in knowing that God was real this entire time and you will never be able to get to know Him; your chances have slipped from your very finger tips with every foolish act of flesh committed. And despite that conviction that crashed over your body - the one that speeds your heart rate up and causes your palms to sweat, thoughts questioning over and over if what you're about to do is right - you turn your back to it because it just feels good. I know. I've been there, teetering on the line of do I or don't I. And I've failed the test numerous times; we all do - we all fall short of the glory of God. The difference is whether or not we let this conviction change us for the good. Do you? It's something to consider. Where are you going in life? Where is this road taking you? Are you happy? And I don't mean the "yes my flesh is very pleased right now" kind of happy. I mean the honest happy, the kind that ignites a glow within your very soul and causes that lazy grin on the edges of your lips to appear when you're not even thinking about it. Are you that kind of happy?

Consider the music you're listening to. I've battled back and forth with secular music. To be honest, music is my weakness. I believe it's because music is the area God is planning on using me most in. I'll go through periods in my walk where I just crave the music of the world because it's nothing like what I can find on the Christian genre. Yeah, there's great Christian artists out there who can bring me to my knees and cry out for a touch from God. But then there's others who... frustrate me, if I can say that. They continue on in their mediocre music while the world around them pulsates to the pounding of a different drum - a drum we as Christians are supposed to save them from ( well really God is saving them, but I hope you understand what I'm saying ). And instead of changing with the times - not wavering in their beliefs, but stepping up their game - they continue to make music that passes people by. Something that sounds like it belongs on the Brady Bunch is not going to grab the attention of a modern day teenager. And growing frustrated with this leads me into a downloading frenzy of secular music. And then a week later, God tells me this music is not for me and I delete it all. Why? When I listen to it, though I have fun for a little while, I begin to feel beside myself. I begin to feel depressed and my smile has vanished. No, I take that back, it's still there - but it becomes a masking smile to hide what's going on inside. Do spirits leap from music to person? I guess that all depends on what you believe. But do this: try listening to just Christian music for 7 days ( if you need a list of good artists, feel free to reach me somehow and I'll give you some ) and see how you feel. Heck, you could even try it for 3 days. You could probably try it for 1 if you wanted to. God's not limited to time. But you'll feel that shift when you try to listen to secular music again. Am I saying you'll go to hell for listening to that kind of music? Honestly? I don't necessarily think you will. But I think it will hinder your walk with God. I think eventually you will hit a wall in your walk, just as I have, where it's no longer an increase but a sudden decrease in His presence. Because sometimes we ignore His calling for our attention to something. "Oh that's just religion, I can listen to what I want to. And if I can't, it'll be okay because I can repent tonight before I go to bed". It's something I've told myself several times. "God's a loving God - He knows that I love Him, He knows that I believe in Jesus and that's all the Bible requires of you to enter into Heaven". It's also something I've told myself several times. And it's right to an extent - the Bible says believe in Jesus and you will be saved.

But I want to do more than just "be saved". I want to make a dent in this world. I want to do everything God's got in mind for me. I just don't feel as though I can do it while having one foot in the world as well. It's either all or nothing. It's either selling myself out to God or sitting in a pew. All are called but few are chosen. Maybe the called can get away with it because they want to be a professional pew warmer. But the chosen? Those are the ones who sacrifice. Those are the ones who seek after God, doing whatever He asks because they understand that their lives are not their own, but rather mere vessels for God's will to be done. How glorious it must be to be chosen. My Pastor's wife, and one of my closest friends and whom I consider to be my mentor, has always said that yes, Salvation is free. But God's presence is not. There's a price to His presence and it's the chosen who understand that. It's not a scenic highway route to Heaven that the chosen take - it's a living Hell on earth that involves warfare and constant sacrifice. Are you willing to be chosen? The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. The things of this world will only weaken your flesh more and more until eventually, it's snagged your spirit along with it. We've got to be strong. We've got to seek after God. We've got to watch ourselves and those close to us and pray. I think we forget about prayer but there's coming quickly a time where God will turn the hearts of His people back to Him through prayer. And when that happens, the devil will go crazy, doing all that he can to keep the Truth from those he's got within his grasp. Because he knows his time will be short. And the power of God through us, His chosen people, will bust hell wide open.